PJs and Prada

 Uncle Jackie* came to visit last week for an impromptu,  LA to Phoenix getaway. Uncle Jackie is really our honorary cousin. You know,  the one that isn't really a cousin but your parents were best friends before you born so they raised you as if you were related by blood? That's Uncle Jackie.

We spent every single year together whether it was a trip out to California or they'd trek east to Boston since they could fly non rev quite easily back in the 70's and 80's. Every summer or school vacation we'd head to California to visit our Grandparents in Encino and then we'd always head over to Culver City to Jackie's where there would be a week of crazy times with very little adult supervision and lots and lots of innocent kid fun.  The old house in Culver City was fairly small with only 2 bedrooms so our parents would sleep in Jackie's bedroom and all of us kids would sleep outside in what we referred to as "The Smelly Green Tent." Uncle Dick had this old, moldy, smelly, green, army like tent that, you guessed it, was the kids "room".  Next door lived June and her grandson Eddie was always over and when we came to town, so did Eddie. He was part of the Smelly Green Tent So, while our parents drank martinis and talked or played chess, we'd be tearing it up doing whatever we felt like. At 10 or so, dress up and pretending they were  "Jackie of the Jungle and Andy of Africa" was as wild as we really got at that age. We did make up a song called "We all Live in a Smelly Green Tent" sung to the tune of Yellow Submarine.

Our mothers earned their wings as stewardesses in 1956 and 1957 from TWA and remained best friends until the day my mother died in 2009. While my mother only flew for few years before she had to stop in 1963 because my brother was born, "Aunt" Luke went up against the airline (after they wanted her to stop flying) in 1966 when Jackie was born. She won and kept flying for 50+ years in like the #3 seniority spot (or some awesome spot like that) up until American Airlines pretty much forced many of the "lifer" TWA flight attendants to take early retirement when AA bought them out. (here's where I hold my tongue) The airlines have never and will never be the same in this country.

I digress.

Since I was diagnosed almost 3 years ago with my breast cancer recurrence, Uncle Jackie has been taking advantage of our geographical convenience since we moved to the Southwest and has been hopping over for our ritual of luxe Nordy Spa pedis, yummy Scottsdale lunch favorites like Zoe's Kitchen and Sauce (omg you have to have the chicken and pine nut salad!) and sometimes we take a brief spin through The Rack or some other place. On this outing I managed to stay vertical for long enough to go over to Neiman's so I could start checking out my dress size of the month (I have got to stop losing weight!) for a dress for a very special friend's NYE's wedding!

First major fail? Letting Uncle Jackie take me over to Neiman's. Second fail? Walking out with a pair of Prada shoes. Fail #1 and #2 by the way, quickly turned into win/wins let me tell you.  ZERO regrets.  Special occasions call for special attire and my beautiful friend Beth's wedding is going to be THE most special NYE wedding I have ever attended. Okay, I've never attended a NYE wedding, which is most likely why I am obsessed over this wedding and wearing the perfect dress to wear alongside my handsome hubster.

This outing was all about "soft clothes" as my witty friend April calls them. (or otherwise known as pajamas) My wardrobe these days consists of PJ's, bathing suits and/or beach towels wrapped around me like a dress to soak up the typhoon that my body produces daily from the chemo. I decided that this is just my life now so I just embrace it :)

These are the visits that warm my heart and soul. Pjs and Prada. The perfect visit with Uncle Jackie.

*Honorary cousin Jackie was lovingly called 'Uncle Jackie' by my almost 16 year old nephew who was a bit unsure of gender differentiation and at the time. He wasn't sure of who was an Uncle or an Aunt so it obviously had to stick as the greatest nickname ever

Scan.Treat.Repeat. It's never really gone.

This is what we do when we are living with cancer.

It's never gone.

We find it.

We treat it.

We live life for a bit.

We find it.

We treat it.

We live life for a bit.

I've lost count how many times now but its back. But it's never really gone.

We just find it. We treat it. We repeat.



The last few weeks have taken a bit of a toll on us. Physically and emotionally, I've been challenged a bit more. Lots of tests, another biopsy, another surgery, more pain, more tears, more bad news. I handled it. I may be a bit more achy, tired, uncomfortable, sad, scared and depressed but with my hand on my heart I can say that I have never felt more at peace with what is going on with me and I could not be happier than I am now.  My kids have both been here for a bit now and having us all together is wonderful. I'm living the best life I can right now. And I am very happy.

So next up for me? I treat it.

For one, I start a new chemo drug on Monday. Second, I started a new strain for another 90 day cannabis oil treatment. I've been doing this for about 3 weeks now and I'm feeling a lot better already.   This is also going to prepare me to take on the new toxic beast that is about to infiltrate my otherwise healthy body and knock down all the good in its path.

I never ask this of anyone but I always appreciate it so much when you tell me that you pray for me. I do feel it. I'd love it if you prayed for me. Just pray for me to get another bit of time so I can do the things that I haven't done yet. I've got things to do. I'm no where near done here.

Thank you for supporting me.

7 Down, 1 to go!!!

Well, I am getting close to the end of my treatments. It seems so surreal still. This entire thing. I cannot believe that I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I cannot believe that I have had a bilateral mastectomy and have implants where my own, god given flesh and tissue used to be, and I cannot believe that I have spent the last 4 months of my life going through chemotherapy and I cannot believe that my big ole head of hair is gone! It is truly unbelievable. But throughout it all, I have remained positive, as cheery as possible, and try to be as much of a role model for anyone going through what I am. This has changed me as a person, and my objective now, is to help educate women of all ages that Breast Cancer invades the lives of 1 in 7 so we have to be aware of how we can stay ahead of it. I realize that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but in my life, it is every day of every month! Let's all try to help eradicate this disease by doing all we can to help find a cure! Feel free to donate right here on my blog's home page. It's easy. All you have to do is click on the donate button on the charity badge here on the left hand side of my blog!

Well, I go for my Nuelasta shot tomorrow, and then that is when all the bone pain starts setting in. So, there'll be no update while I handle the side effects which are rough. I'll be back as soon as I can!

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend and the snow misses us!!!!

THINK PINK
Tracy

Happy Easter!

We had a great day today, actually, we had a great weekend. My brother Andy, my sis in law Patty and my niece Taylor all spent the weekend. It wasn't planned that way, in fact we were all supposed to spend Easter at their house today. That was until Mother Nature decided to dump a ton of snow on us last week! They live in Maine and had no power for 3 days so they came Friday morning and spent the weekend with us, it was nice to have them here! I loved having the company since I spend so many days alone at home. Every time I turned around my sister in law was cleaning something! And, this morning, she and my brother put together a couple of bookshelves that I had ordered weeks ago for my office. It was great since I don't have the strength to do that kind of thing yet and Jeff absolutely hates assembling things. So, he cooked while they assembled. It was perfect and I finally have a place in my office for all the books in the house! Thanks Andy and Patty :)

I had a pretty strange day on Friday, I felt so tired and lightheaded...probably just the fatigue hitting me from this Taxol. My hands and feet have been getting progressively worse as the days go on. The numbness, itching and tingling in my palms, fingers and feet is really ticking me off. I have to say, it's getting annoying and there is nothing I can do to make it stop!

Today I felt a really sharp pain just jolt from my port through my chest. It made me stop dead in my tracks. It's never done that before. Oddly enough, during the week leading up to my treatment, my port always starts to hurt a little bit, like it's screaming to be used. Well, it can scream all it wants to, this is the 2nd to last time it'll be used! I cannot believe that after Thursday, I will have only 1 treatment left to go. I cannot wait to get this over with and get my port removed and try to move on.

Ok, now I am just rambling.....I could go on and on, but I won't bore you all to tears....I just thought I would add and update since my posts are fewer and far between these days.

I hope everyone enjoyed their day and I hope the Easter Bunny was good to you all!

6 Down, 2 to go!!!

Well, I did it, I managed to get through another treatment. This time I was smarter than the chemo and I actually planned out my pain management strategy and it paid off. I started taking my heavy duty pain pills on Friday morning prior to my nuelasta shot and it's side effects. Then I just stayed in front of the pain all weekend and it actually helped. I was totally drugged the entire time, but whatever it takes! Today is Tuesday and I am just dealing with lingering hip, leg and arm pain along with my new side effect: numbness and tingling in both of my hands. It started today out of nowhere. My palms have been really itchy (I doubt I'll be coming into money) and all of a sudden, they got really numb and they tingle. It is the strangest feeling but it doesn't hurt so I can live with it I think.

So, I can do it, I can make it through my last 2 treatments! Now I know how to handle this awful pain, I am not as scared anymore. I will do it, and I will be done on April 26th!!!

Taxol #2 today

My appointment isn't until 10:30 but I am so full of anxiety, I couldn't sleep.

Not sure why I am so nervous, today and tomorrow are the "easy" days with just the infusion and a couple of shots. The real fun stuff kicks in late Friday night and will last several days.

I've had a great week as far as feeling stronger and having a bit more energy than I have had in the past. My joints and bones are achy, but nothing I can't handle. I'll take it.

I'll post my update from this treatment when I can.....I'm hoping I'll have good news to share!

Think Pink!

Finally back to real life - well kinda

The good news is that I have had -zero- nausea!!

The bad news is that I just spent the last 6 days experiencing some of the most agonizing pain I have ever felt in my life. Let me put this into perspective for you - I gave birth to 2 children with no pain medication whatsoever. Trust me, I know what pain is. This was hell.

I won't get into it, but let's just say that I am exhausted from hurting, exhausted from the fatigue and just plain exhausted ! Sure, I only have 3 more treatments and that is fantastic to see light at the end of the tunnel, but, I am honestly having a hard time with the thought of having to do this again. I really need to stay positive in order to get through this. I cannot imagine that this poison has not killed whatever cancer cells that I may have had left in my body. That I do believe.

Treatment #5

Well, the party was over for me yesterday. My chemo break (because of a root canal) was now over. I have to say that the break did me a world of good. I felt almost like my old self, just not as strong and not as much energy as normal. I was able to hit most of a Celtics game, spend a day in the office, and spend the night in Boston with my best friend from Bermuda. It all gave me the strength and drive to get back into this thing and get it done!!!

I didn't sleep very well the night before my treatment due to the fact that I was starting a new drug and it had been so long since my last one. I did really well. The taxol takes about 3 hours to infuse and because of all the pre-meds that they give prior to that, I basically slept the entire time. Once I got home, I proceeded to sleep the rest of the day away until about 730pm. Needless to say, I was up half the night!

So far so good as far as nausea is concerned. My stomach doesn't have that incredible toxic feeling that I had right after infusion with the AC. I get my Nuelasta and Procrid shots today for my white and red cells. Once I get those, I basically brace myself for the obscene pain associated with the Nuelasta as well as the side effects of the Taxol itself. I'm ready. I just go into my "chemo coma" until it's over...

But, I only have to do this 3 more times then I am all done!!!! My onco nurse told me that it will take me about 4-6 weeks to get my stamina and energy level back once I am all through with the chemo.

So one year out of my life in order to have a life! I can handle that!

Think Pink~

Finally able to post!

I have had a really hard time even thinking about posting on this blog. It's so hard to even think about cancer and chemo treatments these days without getting nauseous! Every time I go online and see any kind of cancer drug ad or anything related, I get so sick to my stomach. My body is just so loaded with toxins now that the mere association makes me ill.

This last treatment really got me, worse than #3. Everything that my Oncologist told me at my very first appointment is all really making sense to me. Like clockwork, my body is giving in to the cumulative treatments. I was told to watch out from #3 and #4. It took me a week to come back from #3 and #4 was worse. I tried so hard to do that mind over matter thing this past week but it just didn't work. Once I realized that, then I really gave in and listened to my body. I finally did what I was supposed to do and that was to give in to my pain, my fatigue and my inability to do much more than lie in bed.

I started working 2 days from home last week and I had to do it in my pj's in my bed. But ya know what? I got things done and boy did it wear me out! One day I took at 3 hour nap and the next was 4 1/2 hours. I guess I just didn't realize how little energy I have and I try to push it. That's just me. I've always pushed the envelope when it comes to myself and my health. But, being a Mom, a wife and working full time doesn't allow you to worry about yourself. I'm sure there are lots of Mom's who can relate. I can tell you that after living with this illness for 4 months now, from now on I will listen to my body and take care of me! We only get one shot at life so we have to live it feeling GOOD!

Major Milestone!!!!

Yesterday marked my half way point for treatments! It seems to good to be true that I have already been through 3 1/2 months of surgeries, numerous appts, and now I am half way through my chemotherapy. I start a new medication on March 1 and I finish April 12th if all goes as well as it has. Meaning, my counts have all been great, I've managed to stay healthy (outside of the horrendous side effects of chemo) and I haven't had to miss one treatment! I am just cruising through but not without feeling the effects, as you all know.
Yesterday while we were at treatment, there was a lot of loud clapping and cheers and I quickly realized it was for the people that were completing their treatments! Good for them. I'm sure it was an incredible feeling for them. I had the same incredible feeling walking out of there knowing that I was half way there!!
My doctor was very good to me at this visit. He was very concerned and not pleased with the amount of pain that I endure every treatment after my Nuelasta shot. He increased my pain meds and made it quite clear that I am to take them, period. I have a hard time taking a lot of
pain pills. But, if it means salvaging a little bit of my 3 days following treatment, then I suppose I'll give it a shot.

Round 3 was pretty rough on me!

It's been a week since I have been able to post. This round really knocked me down for a while. I experienced the agonizing pain from the Nuelasta shot again . That gets me from Friday night until sometime Monday. I literally cannot move, my body hurts so much. I don't think there were any side effects from the Procrid shot to boost my red blood counts, thank goodness!

There was a mix up at the pharmacy and my precious anti-nausea pills got a bit messed up so I paid for that dearly. I have been incredibly nauseous since last Friday. I did have an ok day yesterday and so far today, I am just really exhausted with just a little nausea.

Jeff was away on business for a couple days this week. What a long 2 days! I missed him alot. My friend Kim came and played nursemaid with her 4 year old, that was sweet and so appreciated. My mother came up Tuesday to do the same. She even stayed over with me which was really sweet. My kids are a great help to me, when they are home. Frankie did pass on a basketball practice to stay with me. What a sweet son. Alyssa has been great too. We've been able to spend a little bonding time together when she gets home from practice and climbs in bed with me! At 15, I should be very grateful that she still does that occasionally.

Anyway....I will be posting a couple "choice" pics from the hat party....what a great day!

Stay tuned....

#3 down! Only one more AC and then I start the 4 Taxol. I can see
the light at the end of the tunnel!

Jeff snapped a pic today from my camera phone of me relaxing as I got
my infusion. Not the best quality, but at least you can see how relaxed I am! It's not where I would rather be, but at least it is doable.

I found out that my red blood counts are low and I'm anemic. So, they added a new shot to boost my red counts and I also have to take more vitamins that include D and Calcium for my bones. I'll lift my counts come hell or high water. I am NOT getting a transfusion, thank you very much.

I'm feeling very tired, weak and very out of it from all the meds so I am off for a nap.

Spoke way too soon!

My first two days were so much better than my last treatment. The new anti nausea combo along with the hydration on Friday, really made a huge difference. Starting late Saturday morning though, I experienced something new that I am pretty sure I can compare to the pain of Chinese water torture. I'm just not sure if it was the side affects of the flu shot that I got or the side affects from the Nuelasta shot. It could have been a combination. All I know is that I have not experienced pain like this ever in my life. The slightest touch makes me want to jump out of my skin. The pain is unbearable. Pain killers help to dull the pain a bit, but the pain is still there in the background. I hope that's gone when I wake up in the morning. I cannot take much more of this.

On top of that, I learned that it does hurt when your hair falls out. That was something that I couldn't really get a straight answer about. Some people say that they didn't feel it, and some people say that it was very painful. I fell into the latter category. Luckily, my sister was able to come over today and shave my head. Wow was that an experience. She waited until noon because she said she felt better having a glass of wine to help her get through it. A supportive phone call from my brother and sister in law also helped her help me! I think she took it much harder than I did.

Well, it's done. My hair is gone and a bandanna covers the place where I had such a thick, head full of hair. Now we just wait until the rest falls out. I doubt it will take long. My head really hurts.

Off I go, it's time to root for the Pats!

Two Down - 6 to go!

I have to say that so far, I have come through treatment number 2 alot better than the first one.
I was able to change my anti nausea drugs to something alot more heavy duty, and along with another 3 anti nausea drugs that I take in conjunction, I've been saved from any major problems.

I also went back on Friday and had them administer a 2 hour hydration drip that also helped alot. I got my flu shot and my handy dandy Nulasta shot to rebuild my white blood cell count, and I was good to go!

Today I am very tired and my hair has just begun to start it's trip out of my head. I knew it was coming, but I can't say that it makes it any easier. Jeff woke me up at 1:30 this morning to take a pill and I felt the pain in my head and I knew. By the time I woke up at 7:30 and ran my hands through my hair, it was just coming out like I was emptying a hairbrush. Of course I cried. It caught me off guard even though my doctor told me 7-10 days and it's been well over that. I just thought that maybe with my big head of strong hair, that I somehow would be spared and end up in the medical books or something. No such luck.

I'm going to baby my head all day today and tomorrow my sister will come over and just shave it off. They say if you shave it, it will grow back easier and faster. I'm all for that.

Well, that's the latest report on me. Thanks to all of you that have continued to write, send cards, flowers and just keep wishing me well. It means so much to me to have such a strong support system! I'm a very lucky woman!

THINK PINK
Tracy

Day 5 post chemo....yuck

Within 3 hours of getting home, I started to enjoy the side effects that I have learned so much about. I have since spent the past 5 days with severe nausea, massive headaches from one of the anti-nausea drugs, bone pain from the Nuelasta shot that helps restore my white blood cells, and today I have just begun to experience the mouth sores that I tried so hard to stay away from. I was told that if I ate a popsicle or ice chips during the adriamycin push, that maybe I could prevent mouth sores. Maybe I helped ward them off a little longer but I certainly didn't escape them this time. Basically I have found it difficult to get my head off the pillow for most of the past 5 days.

I think I may have learned the trick with all of the pain meds, and anti-nausea drugs so next time, I can handle it better. I suppose the first time is always the worst because of the unknown. I know now, and I hope I change my strategy for next time.

I'll get there, one day at a time.

One down, only 7 to go!

I am thrilled with my port. It actually made the whole chemo process so much easier to bear.

Jeff and I got there at 10:45am and were home by 3:30pm. The treatment itself was a piece of cake, what came afterwards at home wasn't so much fun. Put it this way, I was calling myself the rookie yesterday and I guess I was given the "hazing" treatment for my first time in order to join the "club". I had the most miserable night of my life. Nausea and vomiting took over my Thursday "Office and Grey's Anatomy" night. Thank goodness for DVR!

Today I was able to keep some food down and slept most of the day. My sister came over and cut my hair really short, at the advice of my oncologist. He told me that it would be approximately 7-10 days until my hair fell out. I was thinking about starting a pool to see who could guess the day or the closest day to the actual event! Silly, I know but what can I say.

I had to go back to the doctor today in order to get my Neulasta shot which helps rebuild my white blood cells. This is necessary in order to keep up with the every 2 weeks treatment. I'll do whatever it takes to get through this faster!

Well, now that this one is under by belt, I just sit here waiting for the different side effects so I learn how to carry on with a semi normal life during treatments.

I'm just happy to have started the countdown so we can all get back to life B.C.

Getting mentally prepared.....

There really hasn't been a lot to report as far as my health is concerned. I've been using this time to get myself mentally and emotionally prepared for next week. I am scheduled for surgery on Wednesday to get the port inserted. I met with my doctor the other day who explained the procedure and assured me that I wouldn't feel a thing or remember a thing. Sounds good to me. To be honest, I am not that nervous about that anymore. I am more afraid of the chemo on Thursday as I am not 100% sure what to expect. I'm quite sure that these are all normal feelings.

Basically the port itself is just about the size of a quarter and attached to it is the catheter that will be inserted and attached to my vein. It'll sit just under my collarbone and will be a god send in the long run. There is no way that I could go through 16 weeks of grueling intravenous poking and hours of treatments like that. I was so afraid of it at first, but after reading and hearing real people's stories, it is so the way to go!

As an update to my initial surgery, it's been 6 weeks (yesterday). I feel so much better and can do a lot more now with my arms. Of course, I am pretty sure that I shouldn't have mopped the entire kitchen and bathroom floors this morning. I am sure paying for that now! Please be assured that I didn't do it because Jeff wouldn't - he has been incredible! I was simply looking for something a little physical to do as I have been going out of my mind. Even though I was so proud of myself that I was able to get it done, it probably wasn't the best choice!! Live and learn I suppose.

I don't want to bore everyone with the details of my recovery but I did want to give an update as to where I go from here. I am at a pretty good place mentally right now, but like I said, it's the unknown that makes me crazy. A week from today I'll have one treatment under my belt and I'll just take it one day at a time from there.