I did it!!!!
This is what the pin says that I was given by the nurses today when I finished my last of 8 chemo treatments! I got hugs from every oncology nurse in the place when we left. They even hugged Jeff and told him what a fantastic support person he has been for me. They sure got that right. I couldn't have done it without him by my side! He's a gift from god!!

A complete wave of emotion came over me this morning when I walked into the building. Tears instantly welled up in my eyes. I was so excited to have my last treatment, but it was so incredibly emotional. I cried a lot today but I made it. I got through 8 agonizing treatments and all the horrible side effects that go along with it. I feel stronger, and more educated, and I'm ready to help educate anyone that isn't aware of how easy and important it is to get a mammogram. It's the first step in detecting early stage cancer. Breast cancer invades the lives of 1 in 8 women. Think about that the next time you go out for dinner or drinks with a bunch of girlfriends. Look around, one of you may be that 1 in 8 in your group of friends. I am not trying to scare anyone, I am simply trying to say that I never thought I would be the 1 in 8 in my various groups of friends. It stinks. I was diagnosed with early Stage II invasive cancer in both of my breasts. We were trying to get pregnant and instead, I got cancer. I skipped my bi-annual mammogram the year before last because as some of you know, we lost a baby at 19 weeks. That was the same month that I should have had my mammogram. Maybe I had cancer then, who knows. But I do know how lucky I was to have picked up on this when I did. I made it through, and I hope and pray that I am now cancer free. I don't really know. But I will move on with my life and think positively that the chemo kicked it's butt!

Ready to go back to work!

I know it sounds funny to some, but I cannot wait to get back to the office and get back to my regular routine. I love it and miss it. I have been in the travel industry for almost 24 years. I started out when I was 17 years old and I never turned back! I consider myself very lucky that I picked a profession, learned it, stuck with it, and love what I do! I've been working 2 days from home for a while now, but I miss the office. I work with a great bunch of people and I can't wait to get back. I told a co-worker today to get ready, cuz I am coming back with a renewed sense of enthusiasm and I am ready to go!

I am so glad that I was able to take the time I needed to get through this ordeal and be able to concentrate on my health. I was telling someone today how in a strange way I actually enjoyed the time at home. Even though half of each month was in bed and dealing with disgusting side effects, I was able to spend more time with my kids and my other family members which I loved. I actually formed a really neat bond with my youngest niece.

Casey is only 2 years old, and up until my surgery, she really didn't know me. Since then, my sister Stephanie, who lives only 20 minutes away from where we moved in NH, visits regularly with Casey while my nephew Cameron is in school. It's been so cool to see them both so often, but especially Casey because we really got to know each other. This morning she came over and wore one of my hats around the house. She came in with her pink Red Sox hat on and then proceeded to try on a couple of my hats and wear them around. She calls me Auntie now, and she has her ritual of coming in and going straight to the cabinets looking for something she knows she probably can't have at home. Then she grabs her favorite blanket, a prayer shawl that my mother in law gave me, and she drags it around the house. It's been so fun watching her grow and I love to hear all her new words and watching her mannerisms. She is adorable.



I've had a ton of time in the past 5 1/2 months to really think about a lot of things. One thing I know for sure is that I am incredibly lucky to have the life I do. I thank my lucky stars every day!

7 Down, 1 to go!!!

Well, I am getting close to the end of my treatments. It seems so surreal still. This entire thing. I cannot believe that I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I cannot believe that I have had a bilateral mastectomy and have implants where my own, god given flesh and tissue used to be, and I cannot believe that I have spent the last 4 months of my life going through chemotherapy and I cannot believe that my big ole head of hair is gone! It is truly unbelievable. But throughout it all, I have remained positive, as cheery as possible, and try to be as much of a role model for anyone going through what I am. This has changed me as a person, and my objective now, is to help educate women of all ages that Breast Cancer invades the lives of 1 in 7 so we have to be aware of how we can stay ahead of it. I realize that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but in my life, it is every day of every month! Let's all try to help eradicate this disease by doing all we can to help find a cure! Feel free to donate right here on my blog's home page. It's easy. All you have to do is click on the donate button on the charity badge here on the left hand side of my blog!

Well, I go for my Nuelasta shot tomorrow, and then that is when all the bone pain starts setting in. So, there'll be no update while I handle the side effects which are rough. I'll be back as soon as I can!

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend and the snow misses us!!!!

THINK PINK
Tracy

Happy Easter!

We had a great day today, actually, we had a great weekend. My brother Andy, my sis in law Patty and my niece Taylor all spent the weekend. It wasn't planned that way, in fact we were all supposed to spend Easter at their house today. That was until Mother Nature decided to dump a ton of snow on us last week! They live in Maine and had no power for 3 days so they came Friday morning and spent the weekend with us, it was nice to have them here! I loved having the company since I spend so many days alone at home. Every time I turned around my sister in law was cleaning something! And, this morning, she and my brother put together a couple of bookshelves that I had ordered weeks ago for my office. It was great since I don't have the strength to do that kind of thing yet and Jeff absolutely hates assembling things. So, he cooked while they assembled. It was perfect and I finally have a place in my office for all the books in the house! Thanks Andy and Patty :)

I had a pretty strange day on Friday, I felt so tired and lightheaded...probably just the fatigue hitting me from this Taxol. My hands and feet have been getting progressively worse as the days go on. The numbness, itching and tingling in my palms, fingers and feet is really ticking me off. I have to say, it's getting annoying and there is nothing I can do to make it stop!

Today I felt a really sharp pain just jolt from my port through my chest. It made me stop dead in my tracks. It's never done that before. Oddly enough, during the week leading up to my treatment, my port always starts to hurt a little bit, like it's screaming to be used. Well, it can scream all it wants to, this is the 2nd to last time it'll be used! I cannot believe that after Thursday, I will have only 1 treatment left to go. I cannot wait to get this over with and get my port removed and try to move on.

Ok, now I am just rambling.....I could go on and on, but I won't bore you all to tears....I just thought I would add and update since my posts are fewer and far between these days.

I hope everyone enjoyed their day and I hope the Easter Bunny was good to you all!

6 Down, 2 to go!!!

Well, I did it, I managed to get through another treatment. This time I was smarter than the chemo and I actually planned out my pain management strategy and it paid off. I started taking my heavy duty pain pills on Friday morning prior to my nuelasta shot and it's side effects. Then I just stayed in front of the pain all weekend and it actually helped. I was totally drugged the entire time, but whatever it takes! Today is Tuesday and I am just dealing with lingering hip, leg and arm pain along with my new side effect: numbness and tingling in both of my hands. It started today out of nowhere. My palms have been really itchy (I doubt I'll be coming into money) and all of a sudden, they got really numb and they tingle. It is the strangest feeling but it doesn't hurt so I can live with it I think.

So, I can do it, I can make it through my last 2 treatments! Now I know how to handle this awful pain, I am not as scared anymore. I will do it, and I will be done on April 26th!!!

Taxol #2 today

My appointment isn't until 10:30 but I am so full of anxiety, I couldn't sleep.

Not sure why I am so nervous, today and tomorrow are the "easy" days with just the infusion and a couple of shots. The real fun stuff kicks in late Friday night and will last several days.

I've had a great week as far as feeling stronger and having a bit more energy than I have had in the past. My joints and bones are achy, but nothing I can't handle. I'll take it.

I'll post my update from this treatment when I can.....I'm hoping I'll have good news to share!

Think Pink!

Finally back to real life - well kinda

The good news is that I have had -zero- nausea!!

The bad news is that I just spent the last 6 days experiencing some of the most agonizing pain I have ever felt in my life. Let me put this into perspective for you - I gave birth to 2 children with no pain medication whatsoever. Trust me, I know what pain is. This was hell.

I won't get into it, but let's just say that I am exhausted from hurting, exhausted from the fatigue and just plain exhausted ! Sure, I only have 3 more treatments and that is fantastic to see light at the end of the tunnel, but, I am honestly having a hard time with the thought of having to do this again. I really need to stay positive in order to get through this. I cannot imagine that this poison has not killed whatever cancer cells that I may have had left in my body. That I do believe.

Treatment #5

Well, the party was over for me yesterday. My chemo break (because of a root canal) was now over. I have to say that the break did me a world of good. I felt almost like my old self, just not as strong and not as much energy as normal. I was able to hit most of a Celtics game, spend a day in the office, and spend the night in Boston with my best friend from Bermuda. It all gave me the strength and drive to get back into this thing and get it done!!!

I didn't sleep very well the night before my treatment due to the fact that I was starting a new drug and it had been so long since my last one. I did really well. The taxol takes about 3 hours to infuse and because of all the pre-meds that they give prior to that, I basically slept the entire time. Once I got home, I proceeded to sleep the rest of the day away until about 730pm. Needless to say, I was up half the night!

So far so good as far as nausea is concerned. My stomach doesn't have that incredible toxic feeling that I had right after infusion with the AC. I get my Nuelasta and Procrid shots today for my white and red cells. Once I get those, I basically brace myself for the obscene pain associated with the Nuelasta as well as the side effects of the Taxol itself. I'm ready. I just go into my "chemo coma" until it's over...

But, I only have to do this 3 more times then I am all done!!!! My onco nurse told me that it will take me about 4-6 weeks to get my stamina and energy level back once I am all through with the chemo.

So one year out of my life in order to have a life! I can handle that!

Think Pink~

Thank you to all my TNT and Garber friends!

I just wanted to send out a personal thank you to all my colleagues and former colleagues for all the kind emails, cards, gifts, and the ongoing support as I continue with my recovery! It means a great deal to me that I have such a strong support system, not only from my family and close friends, but from all of you who have followed me down this road! I am truly blessed. One of my kids said to my husband, "Wow, I had no idea that mom had so many friends!" I'm a very lucky girl!!!

Hat Party Pics

I promised some pics but I just haven't had the strength or the time to post them. Here's a glimpse of what the day was like. It was great!

Chemobrain - It really is REAL!

I know that I have blamed my memory loss or loss for words in the middle of a sentence, to many of my family, friends and co-workers, on something called chemobrain. Well, I want you to know that I didn't make it up. It really does exist and I was not a believer until it started happening to me. I thought I would share with you what one person describes it to be:

"Patients who receive treatment for cancer often experience a range of side-effects, including loss of concentration, memory problems, and the inability to organize daily activities—commonly referred to as chemobrain."

See, I'm not really just "losing it", I will eventually get my crisp, clear, brain back as soon as I have completed chemo.

Which brings me to my second reason for posting.....I've had a very slight bump in the road, and I have to postpone my chemo treatments so I can deal with an awful dental issue. Instead of having chemo tomorrow, I will be enjoying myself at the dentist, getting a root canal. Ick.

But, the good news is, I should still be able to keep my next appt. on March 15th which will only set me back 2 weeks. I can live with that. But I cannot live with the pain that I have been for over 2 weeks.

Finally able to post!

I have had a really hard time even thinking about posting on this blog. It's so hard to even think about cancer and chemo treatments these days without getting nauseous! Every time I go online and see any kind of cancer drug ad or anything related, I get so sick to my stomach. My body is just so loaded with toxins now that the mere association makes me ill.

This last treatment really got me, worse than #3. Everything that my Oncologist told me at my very first appointment is all really making sense to me. Like clockwork, my body is giving in to the cumulative treatments. I was told to watch out from #3 and #4. It took me a week to come back from #3 and #4 was worse. I tried so hard to do that mind over matter thing this past week but it just didn't work. Once I realized that, then I really gave in and listened to my body. I finally did what I was supposed to do and that was to give in to my pain, my fatigue and my inability to do much more than lie in bed.

I started working 2 days from home last week and I had to do it in my pj's in my bed. But ya know what? I got things done and boy did it wear me out! One day I took at 3 hour nap and the next was 4 1/2 hours. I guess I just didn't realize how little energy I have and I try to push it. That's just me. I've always pushed the envelope when it comes to myself and my health. But, being a Mom, a wife and working full time doesn't allow you to worry about yourself. I'm sure there are lots of Mom's who can relate. I can tell you that after living with this illness for 4 months now, from now on I will listen to my body and take care of me! We only get one shot at life so we have to live it feeling GOOD!

Major Milestone!!!!

Yesterday marked my half way point for treatments! It seems to good to be true that I have already been through 3 1/2 months of surgeries, numerous appts, and now I am half way through my chemotherapy. I start a new medication on March 1 and I finish April 12th if all goes as well as it has. Meaning, my counts have all been great, I've managed to stay healthy (outside of the horrendous side effects of chemo) and I haven't had to miss one treatment! I am just cruising through but not without feeling the effects, as you all know.
Yesterday while we were at treatment, there was a lot of loud clapping and cheers and I quickly realized it was for the people that were completing their treatments! Good for them. I'm sure it was an incredible feeling for them. I had the same incredible feeling walking out of there knowing that I was half way there!!
My doctor was very good to me at this visit. He was very concerned and not pleased with the amount of pain that I endure every treatment after my Nuelasta shot. He increased my pain meds and made it quite clear that I am to take them, period. I have a hard time taking a lot of
pain pills. But, if it means salvaging a little bit of my 3 days following treatment, then I suppose I'll give it a shot.

Round 3 was pretty rough on me!

It's been a week since I have been able to post. This round really knocked me down for a while. I experienced the agonizing pain from the Nuelasta shot again . That gets me from Friday night until sometime Monday. I literally cannot move, my body hurts so much. I don't think there were any side effects from the Procrid shot to boost my red blood counts, thank goodness!

There was a mix up at the pharmacy and my precious anti-nausea pills got a bit messed up so I paid for that dearly. I have been incredibly nauseous since last Friday. I did have an ok day yesterday and so far today, I am just really exhausted with just a little nausea.

Jeff was away on business for a couple days this week. What a long 2 days! I missed him alot. My friend Kim came and played nursemaid with her 4 year old, that was sweet and so appreciated. My mother came up Tuesday to do the same. She even stayed over with me which was really sweet. My kids are a great help to me, when they are home. Frankie did pass on a basketball practice to stay with me. What a sweet son. Alyssa has been great too. We've been able to spend a little bonding time together when she gets home from practice and climbs in bed with me! At 15, I should be very grateful that she still does that occasionally.

Anyway....I will be posting a couple "choice" pics from the hat party....what a great day!

Stay tuned....

#3 down! Only one more AC and then I start the 4 Taxol. I can see
the light at the end of the tunnel!

Jeff snapped a pic today from my camera phone of me relaxing as I got
my infusion. Not the best quality, but at least you can see how relaxed I am! It's not where I would rather be, but at least it is doable.

I found out that my red blood counts are low and I'm anemic. So, they added a new shot to boost my red counts and I also have to take more vitamins that include D and Calcium for my bones. I'll lift my counts come hell or high water. I am NOT getting a transfusion, thank you very much.

I'm feeling very tired, weak and very out of it from all the meds so I am off for a nap.

Hats, Hats, and more Hats!!! (among other wonderful things)

My sister in law and sister threw me the best Hat party on Sunday. My house was transformed into a pink palace with pink ribbons and balloons and flowers everywhere!

There were about 35 or so women here (with a couple men for good measure) and we had good food, wine (not me), an incredible chocolate fountain, laughs and a TON of hats. It was a riot. I really didn't plan on unveiling my head to a room full but I got caught up in the moment and realized that the house full of women were among the most important people in my life and my biggest supporters! So, off (fell) my scarf and I did it. I donned my bald head for all to see. It was kind of liberating, although I could never walk around like that! It was fun though, as I was then able to try on some of the hats as I opened them. I hope to have some pics to post. Some of these hats were something else!

Among the hats, I was given some beautiful jewelry, cozy pj's, scarfs and lots of other nice things. It was really a special day for me and my sister in law, Patty deserves big kudos for the time and effort she put into this. When I tell you she went above and beyond, I mean it. Hot gluing pink ribbons and pearls on toothpicks? Oh yeah, she went all out! :) Love you, Patty.

And of course a huge thank you to my sister Steph and C-Lou, Pam, Taylor, my mom, mother in law and sister in law and everyone else who contributed to the planning!

I have the best family and friends, THIS is what gets me through.

And I was supposed to be feeling better this week....

With my treatment being last Thursday, I really thought that by my usual Monday/Tuesday after chemo, I'd start to really feel better. Funny thing, my only day that I haven't experienced some nausea was Wednesday. I honestly have been taking my anti-nausea pills around the clock to provide some relief. The odd thing is that my appetite hasn't been spared at all. Now I know why they say that people normally gain weight rather than lose. Great. No hair, feel like crap constantly, and yeah, I get to put on a few pounds! Well, I did just get the word that I can do a form of low impact exercise. They say that most woman get through the chemo better with some form of regular exercise. I'd like to think that I could get into that. I just don't know if I do it between the excruciating bone pain or the disgusting nausea. I'll have to plan that one out.

Sorry for the unbelievable sarcasm tonight but I just planned on taking a really quick shower and I ended up being held hostage by my hair falling out. It is unreal. Every time I touched my head, my hands were covered in hair. I came out and I can literally see my bald head now. What an incredibly bizarre feeling. I never in my life thought I would look like this, or be going through what I am. But, as usual, Jeff makes me feel terrific. He said that I have a nice small head and I look beautiful. Lord am I lucky to have such an incredible husband.

Ok, enough for tonight.

Just an update
Let's see, my hair is really coming out. I have a trick that I got from a breast cancer message board that has really come in handy. I bought a bunch of lint rollers (pink ribbon ones, can ya stand it?) and I actually roll it on my head. It is bizarre how much hair comes off each time I do this. It sure beats having my hair all over my pillow when I wake up. My oncologist thought that was a pretty neat tip so he plans to tell all his patients. Funny.

My head doesn't really hurt anymore, thank goodness, it just gets really cold! Especially at night. I have a hat and I pull it on and off all night as I go through my hot and cold spells. Jeff told me he woke up yesterday and my little, fuzzy, pink sleep hat was on his chest. I thought that was pretty funny. I look for anything to make me laugh these days! :)

I'm one week post chemo #2 and I feel pretty good. This one definitely got me but nothing that this Tough Warrier Princess can't handle!

Keep thinking Pink!

Spoke way too soon!

My first two days were so much better than my last treatment. The new anti nausea combo along with the hydration on Friday, really made a huge difference. Starting late Saturday morning though, I experienced something new that I am pretty sure I can compare to the pain of Chinese water torture. I'm just not sure if it was the side affects of the flu shot that I got or the side affects from the Nuelasta shot. It could have been a combination. All I know is that I have not experienced pain like this ever in my life. The slightest touch makes me want to jump out of my skin. The pain is unbearable. Pain killers help to dull the pain a bit, but the pain is still there in the background. I hope that's gone when I wake up in the morning. I cannot take much more of this.

On top of that, I learned that it does hurt when your hair falls out. That was something that I couldn't really get a straight answer about. Some people say that they didn't feel it, and some people say that it was very painful. I fell into the latter category. Luckily, my sister was able to come over today and shave my head. Wow was that an experience. She waited until noon because she said she felt better having a glass of wine to help her get through it. A supportive phone call from my brother and sister in law also helped her help me! I think she took it much harder than I did.

Well, it's done. My hair is gone and a bandanna covers the place where I had such a thick, head full of hair. Now we just wait until the rest falls out. I doubt it will take long. My head really hurts.

Off I go, it's time to root for the Pats!

Two Down - 6 to go!

I have to say that so far, I have come through treatment number 2 alot better than the first one.
I was able to change my anti nausea drugs to something alot more heavy duty, and along with another 3 anti nausea drugs that I take in conjunction, I've been saved from any major problems.

I also went back on Friday and had them administer a 2 hour hydration drip that also helped alot. I got my flu shot and my handy dandy Nulasta shot to rebuild my white blood cell count, and I was good to go!

Today I am very tired and my hair has just begun to start it's trip out of my head. I knew it was coming, but I can't say that it makes it any easier. Jeff woke me up at 1:30 this morning to take a pill and I felt the pain in my head and I knew. By the time I woke up at 7:30 and ran my hands through my hair, it was just coming out like I was emptying a hairbrush. Of course I cried. It caught me off guard even though my doctor told me 7-10 days and it's been well over that. I just thought that maybe with my big head of strong hair, that I somehow would be spared and end up in the medical books or something. No such luck.

I'm going to baby my head all day today and tomorrow my sister will come over and just shave it off. They say if you shave it, it will grow back easier and faster. I'm all for that.

Well, that's the latest report on me. Thanks to all of you that have continued to write, send cards, flowers and just keep wishing me well. It means so much to me to have such a strong support system! I'm a very lucky woman!

THINK PINK
Tracy