Oddly enough it's an okay mood.
I think my mind has finally hit somewhat of numb state.
I'm numb from the emotional ups and downs from the good, the bad and the ugly news that we've had to listen to for the past 3+ years with this BS. The past 2 days have been no exception.
I'm feeling really good about the new healthcare team that I proudly assembled. Finally, I had a bit of time and a clear enough head to come to my senses to pull together an impressive team of doctors to oversee my bod from here on out. Between Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, my 3rd Arizona oncologist who also happens to be my 25 year old daughter's oncologist (Li-Fraumeni monitoring thankfully) and my compassionate urologist/surgeon who treats me at Mayo, I feel great. The difference now? I can finally relax and live my life with this effin' effer and not have to constantly play 'Google MD' because it was evident that no one but me gave a rats ass about me.
Instead of wasting my precious seconds or minutes on BS, I've been able to let go of the things I can't control and just let things fall into their place. Whatever that means.
This week it means that my kidneys are failing again. My 3rd set of stents were removed on May 18th. Trust me, it's so uncomfortable that I remember the day they were removed like I remember the birth of my kids. I had a lovely nuclear kidney scan yesterday on our 12th Anniversary. The big surprise was learning I had to be catheterized for over 2 hours for the procedure. That and a water medication intravenously to speed up the process to get fast results. Here's what I said to the tech as I was wheeled into the room. He pleasantly and genuinely says, "Hi, my name is X, how are you today?" I could not will away the urge so I responded with "Well, I have a bag of urine on my lap so I'm not real sure at the moment". I promise you I didn't say it with a straight face and eventually we were chatting it up so every ounce of shame musta went out the window pretty quickly. The scan was one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever done in this whole whack of crap I've been through. I'm not kidding. You can gouge a hunk of bone out of my back for a biopsy but do not even THINK about catheterizing me. Thank goodness for nurse S is all I can say.
Moving on to the housekeeping for the week, my left kidney is running only on about 20% and my right is doing a shit ass job of keeping up. I would so fire that kidney if I could.
What does this mean? It means I go back to the operating room on Wednesday for a shiny new set of stents. All 3 of them. Plus, my skilled urologist is going to gently remove as much of the tumor that is on my bladder as she can. The strategy is to remove just enough to relieve some of my recent symptoms as well as to confirm that this is still the breast cancer metastases and not a primary bladder cancer. Based on the past results from my ovary, bone, abdomen and liver spread, the doctors are fairly certain it's still the breast cancer that had spread again as were noticed in the last bunch scans. As long as its still hormonal we'll be able to stay on track with the original treatment plan.
I'm still just living as best I can and my doctors are still giving me hope. I am not close to being out of options medically or holistically and for that, I feel okay.
