Scan.Treat.Repeat. It's never really gone.

This is what we do when we are living with cancer.

It's never gone.

We find it.

We treat it.

We live life for a bit.

We find it.

We treat it.

We live life for a bit.

I've lost count how many times now but its back. But it's never really gone.

We just find it. We treat it. We repeat.



The last few weeks have taken a bit of a toll on us. Physically and emotionally, I've been challenged a bit more. Lots of tests, another biopsy, another surgery, more pain, more tears, more bad news. I handled it. I may be a bit more achy, tired, uncomfortable, sad, scared and depressed but with my hand on my heart I can say that I have never felt more at peace with what is going on with me and I could not be happier than I am now.  My kids have both been here for a bit now and having us all together is wonderful. I'm living the best life I can right now. And I am very happy.

So next up for me? I treat it.

For one, I start a new chemo drug on Monday. Second, I started a new strain for another 90 day cannabis oil treatment. I've been doing this for about 3 weeks now and I'm feeling a lot better already.   This is also going to prepare me to take on the new toxic beast that is about to infiltrate my otherwise healthy body and knock down all the good in its path.

I never ask this of anyone but I always appreciate it so much when you tell me that you pray for me. I do feel it. I'd love it if you prayed for me. Just pray for me to get another bit of time so I can do the things that I haven't done yet. I've got things to do. I'm no where near done here.

Thank you for supporting me.

UGH, Pinktober cannot end soon enough

Hear me out: It's October 1st and soon (if not already) we will be flooded in a sea of Pink. I used to be behind this 100% until I learned what it meant to live with an incurable breast cancer. I don't wanna see pink and I will not donate to pink. All PINK does is line the pockets of the companies who produce the pink products. ONLY 7% of the money raised for Breast Cancer goes to Metastatic or Stage 4 Cancer. THAT'S IT! And you wonder why there isn't a cure? PEOPLE, THAT LEAVES a whopping 93% of funds that are going to AWARENESS & large salaries. Raise your hand, who here DOESN'T know anything about Breast Cancer? Early detection does not save lives. It sure as hell didn't save mine. Its time to see a major shift in the strategy of SGK and other Breast Cancer orgs who claim they are desperate for a cure. Susie Komen obviously died of MBC so what gives? 

Every day in October I'm going to post another fact about MBC and I am going to educate anyone (including people who have had or are in remission) who would like to learn about the cancer that will eventually take my life and another 40,000 Men & Women each year. That's 108 people each DAY who will die from Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer. The following facts are shared from mbcn.org

October 1. Fact 1.
1. What is Metastatic Breast Cancer? (pronounced as Met-a-STA-tic)
MBC also known as Stage IV is cancer that has spread outside of the breast to other organs such as bones, liver, lung or brain. This process is called metastasis.(pronounced as Me-TAS-ta-sis)

#MetastaticBreastCancerMonth #Stage4NeedsMore #PinkribbonsDontSaveLives

Still 'NED' No evidence of (active) disease

I've been super behind in updates here and I'm embarrassed to say that I am trying to get better at writing so I've been seeking out advice from my personal "Grand Master" writer and agonizing over what to post next or rather how to "fix" what I've written. This is where I get stuck. I lose motivation so easily so I'm working on that. In the meantime, here's a quick update off the cuff.

My "innumerable" tumors (as written in my radiology notes) are still chilling,  keeping the party quiet so I'm still good. The latest scans showed no new cancer.

I  told my onco that I'm really not taking the Letrozole any more. Maybe 1-2 times a week if that. And at this point, why bother? I hate it. It ruins my life. The side effects; my aching bones, my headaches, my TMJ - I'm not sure if that's just the s/e of the Gemzar shot I get monthly or a s/e of the Letrozole. Either way, it sucks. My personal opinion is that they don't work anyway and all those cancer meds do is play with your mind and ruin your quality of life.

My favorite side effect of all side effects? The intense dizziness that literally keeps me from getting behind the wheel of a car. Anyone else know what it feels like to have a car sitting in the driveway & things to do but you can't drive most days? It's especially painful when that car costs you another mortgage. All kidding aside though, it stinks.

People don't agree with my choice, or like it very much but it's my choice.  I realize I'm pretty much taking my life in my hands by not taking anything pharmaceutical but rather relying on changes in diet, alternative medicines, different Ancient Chinese Therapies & attitude to keep me alive. That's my decision to make.

Stay tuned for more on that...

(Here's hoping it goes well...)

Peace, Love & Life


*Full Discloser - I don't give a rats ass about grammar or spelling mistakes at the moment so don't judge

World Down Syndrome Day - Probably my most personal post...It's time.

The end of May will mark 10 years since Jeff & I lost the only child we would ever be blessed with as a couple.

Despite the past 9 years dealing with cancer,  I can say with my hand on my heart that this was one of the most difficult times of our lives.

Jeff and I were married in Bermuda in 2004. We went to high school together but we were never a "thing".  I don't believe in magic or happenstance. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that we are left with the pieces to try to figure out what that reason may be. I'm still searching for answers to SO many reasons why things went down the way they did.   Jeff was 39 and getting married for the first time and I was a 38 year old divorcee with 2 beautiful little kids (9 & 11 at the time) who are my whole world.  Jeff adored them and they adored him. They didn't call him "Dad" but they sure told everyone they met that this was their other "Dad".  He watched and even coached for one of Frankie's baseball teams, never missed a football game. He sat for countless hours among all the other "Dads" at Alyssa's weekly cheerleading competitions and even knew the words to the cheers. He was and is an incredibly caring and loving father to his step kids. (Funny, he's never once called them this...) To him, they're his kids.  My life & theirs was forever changed in the most beautiful way from that time on.

Everything happened quickly in our lives at the beginning; meeting,  getting married, Jeff being a dad to my kids. We didn't force any of it. We just lived our lives as happily as we could, turning one event after another into a fun and positive life memory for our little family unit. Something was so blatantly missing. I was blessed with this adoring man who loves me & my children unconditionally. He deserved to have a child of his own. We deserved to have a child together. So we got to it :)

We did it. We got pregnant and our child was due in October 2005 which was right around my 40th birthday. How fun was this going to be celebrating the birth of our child as I was turning 40?  It happened fairly quickly despite my age. I was sick as a dog.  To me, that was a great sign as I was always told. "The sicker you are, the more healthy the pregnancy." I was naive, as most likely it was a male OB/GYN who came up with that one. Sorry guys. (have you watched the video of those 2 men experiencing "labor"?) I digress.

What came next were the prenatal screening tests that anyone over 35 are offered to determine whether there are any birth defects. The test was taken sometime between 11-14 weeks and was a simple blood test and an ultrasound. Our results for the likelihood of Down Syndrome showed that our chances were 1 in 200,  it didn't phase us. At that same time we learned that we were having a little girl. We were so excited and nothing else mattered at that time. We never look at the negative side of life. Nothing good comes from negativity. Nothing.

It was after the next ultrasound when we learned that our little girl had Down Syndrome. Okay, we can handle this and we will.  It made no difference to us.  We would love this child unconditionally, just like Frankie and Alyssa.  We shared our news with both families and of course we had the support all around us to carry on.

On May 2, 2005 our lives were turned upside down.  I was 17 weeks pregnant - almost halfway through my pregnancy. It was that day that we learned that our little girl wasn't going to hang on they said. She wasn't going to make it another 21 weeks to full gestation. The terms "hydrocephalous" and "shunt" were tossed around among others that I probably couldn't pronounce or even remember. They said that her heart wasn't forming properly and her little brain was surrounded by water.  They told me that most likely I would either deliver a stillborn baby or if I waited one more week, I would be required to deliver our child and go through the heartbreaking process of delivering a child we would have to bury.

I honestly cannot even go on with the details of what happened in that month.  It hurts too much. At almost 20 weeks pregnant, we lost our little girl.

Instead of mourning,  I bottled up all of my emotions and thoughts and feelings and I don't think we ever really talked about it much. Or again really. I never properly mourned the loss of our child and I'm not sure I even knew how.

Fast forward to October 2006 when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  Almost to the day that our little girl would have been turning 1. Is this the reason why she didn't make it?  Did I already have cancer but didn't know it? I had missed my mammogram the year prior so who really knows.

I had cancer and I went through the treatments and came out in remission on the other side.  I was 41 and we got pregnant again. Twice. It never stuck. We finally let it go. It wasn't meant to be. It wasn't in our story that I believe had already been written for us.

It was fall  2009 after the loss of our mother when my sister shared a book with me written by Echo Bodine entitled "Echos of the Soul". It was her book that made me realize that I should mourn the loss of our child or her "soul" would never be able to live in another body.

Today, it's World Down Syndrome Day - almost 10 years after the loss of our child and for whatever reason, it's the day I have finally mourned.

If you've made it through to the end. Thank You.

Nicolas Isley it was a pleasure to meet you.

I met this young man somewhere in my social media "cancer" circles.  Nicolas was diagnosed with stomach cancer in August 2013. I met him not long after that and we shared stories - all positive. He loved my new BMW, he told me it was "rad" and that he had one too. He moved from Kansas to LA to work on his dream of working on films and documentaries and he loved music. Once he found out he was sick he decided to turn that diagnosis into a positive thing to help others. He had a vision to start his site to help other patients & survivors in the cancer community to not feel so alone & have someone to reach out to after diagnosis, during treatment and beyond. Nic really got a great start on the project; his own personal videos of his treatments were on You Tube, his website was up & back at home in Kansas they held a successful fundraiser to keep his dream alive. Sadly I just learned that Nic passed away in November. At age 29.  I hope & pray that someone will pick up his project and make it a reality in his memory.  There's plenty of cancer out there but there aren't enough positive people with cancer who also want to share good things and leave behind their legacy for others.

RIP Nicolas Isley
I only knew you a short while but you were quite an inspiration http://www.nicolasisley.com

PET/CT of the torso is negative for hypermetabolic neoplasm

So here's the latest update.  I am elated to report that I am STABLE and there has been NO NEW PROGRESSION!!! 

C'mon, say it with me : No New Progression.  MUSIC to my ears! 

As per my latest PET and CT scan:

NM PET/CT Skull-Thigh SubsntTx

IMPRESSION: PET/CT of the torso is negative for hypermetabolic neoplasm. Innumerable stable sclerotic lesions throughout the bones consistent with previously treated metastases.

The pericardial effusion today is smaller than on
the previous exam and remains small in size. Normal sized spleen and adrenals. Negative for retroperitoneal or pelvic lymphadenopathy. No suspicious pulmonary nodules, and the right pleural effusion present on the previous exam has resolved.  

Innumerable sclerotic bone lesions are seen throughout the visualized skeleton, none of which shows appreciable tracer accumulation or change in size since August scans.

And here's a pretty cool shot that I snagged from my records because I think it's totally mind-blowing to see my insides. Oh and to see this thing attached to my juglar LOL.