The end of May will mark 10 years since Jeff & I lost the only child we would ever be blessed with as a couple.
Despite the past 9 years dealing with cancer, I can say with my hand on my heart that this was one of the most difficult times of our lives.
Jeff and I were married in Bermuda in 2004. We went to high school together but we were never a "thing". I don't believe in magic or happenstance. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that we are left with the pieces to try to figure out what that reason may be. I'm still searching for answers to SO many reasons why things went down the way they did. Jeff was 39 and getting married for the first time and I was a 38 year old divorcee with 2 beautiful little kids (9 & 11 at the time) who are my whole world. Jeff adored them and they adored him. They didn't call him "Dad" but they sure told everyone they met that this was their other "Dad". He watched and even coached for one of Frankie's baseball teams, never missed a football game. He sat for countless hours among all the other "Dads" at Alyssa's weekly cheerleading competitions and even knew the words to the cheers. He was and is an incredibly caring and loving father to his step kids. (Funny, he's never once called them this...) To him, they're his kids. My life & theirs was forever changed in the most beautiful way from that time on.
Everything happened quickly in our lives at the beginning; meeting, getting married, Jeff being a dad to my kids. We didn't force any of it. We just lived our lives as happily as we could, turning one event after another into a fun and positive life memory for our little family unit. Something was so blatantly missing. I was blessed with this adoring man who loves me & my children unconditionally. He deserved to have a child of his own. We deserved to have a child together. So we got to it :)
We did it. We got pregnant and our child was due in October 2005 which was right around my 40th birthday. How fun was this going to be celebrating the birth of our child as I was turning 40? It happened fairly quickly despite my age. I was sick as a dog. To me, that was a great sign as I was always told. "The sicker you are, the more healthy the pregnancy." I was naive, as most likely it was a male OB/GYN who came up with that one. Sorry guys. (have you watched the video of those 2 men experiencing "labor"?) I digress.
What came next were the prenatal screening tests that anyone over 35 are offered to determine whether there are any birth defects. The test was taken sometime between 11-14 weeks and was a simple blood test and an ultrasound. Our results for the likelihood of Down Syndrome showed that our chances were 1 in 200, it didn't phase us. At that same time we learned that we were having a little girl. We were so excited and nothing else mattered at that time. We never look at the negative side of life. Nothing good comes from negativity. Nothing.
It was after the next ultrasound when we learned that our little girl had Down Syndrome. Okay, we can handle this and we will. It made no difference to us. We would love this child unconditionally, just like Frankie and Alyssa. We shared our news with both families and of course we had the support all around us to carry on.
On May 2, 2005 our lives were turned upside down. I was 17 weeks pregnant - almost halfway through my pregnancy. It was that day that we learned that our little girl wasn't going to hang on they said. She wasn't going to make it another 21 weeks to full gestation. The terms "hydrocephalous" and "shunt" were tossed around among others that I probably couldn't pronounce or even remember. They said that her heart wasn't forming properly and her little brain was surrounded by water. They told me that most likely I would either deliver a stillborn baby or if I waited one more week, I would be required to deliver our child and go through the heartbreaking process of delivering a child we would have to bury.
I honestly cannot even go on with the details of what happened in that month. It hurts too much. At almost 20 weeks pregnant, we lost our little girl.
Instead of mourning, I bottled up all of my emotions and thoughts and feelings and I don't think we ever really talked about it much. Or again really. I never properly mourned the loss of our child and I'm not sure I even knew how.
Fast forward to October 2006 when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Almost to the day that our little girl would have been turning 1. Is this the reason why she didn't make it? Did I already have cancer but didn't know it? I had missed my mammogram the year prior so who really knows.
I had cancer and I went through the treatments and came out in remission on the other side. I was 41 and we got pregnant again. Twice. It never stuck. We finally let it go. It wasn't meant to be. It wasn't in our story that I believe had already been written for us.
It was fall 2009 after the loss of our mother when my sister shared a book with me written by Echo Bodine entitled "Echos of the Soul". It was her book that made me realize that I should mourn the loss of our child or her "soul" would never be able to live in another body.
Today, it's World Down Syndrome Day - almost 10 years after the loss of our child and for whatever reason, it's the day I have finally mourned.
If you've made it through to the end. Thank You.
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